Searching for Answers in a Life Full of Questions (AKA Where the Hell Have I Been Part 2)

Hello readers! Very long time, no talk.

No seriously, it's been so long since I drafted a blog post that I had to confirm my identity to Blogger. That's beyond embarrassing. Hello world! It's Ethan, and believe it or not, I am still alive. I'm writing today for the first time in... months. I've come to you today with some feels I've been holding in for quite some time that I'm ready to get out into the open. With explanation for my absence and for support from my tribe.

Nine months and two weeks ago, I posted a very important post entitled "Mandatory 'Where the Hell Have I Been?' Post". January 13, 2016 seems an entire lifetime away from me now. I just re-read that post and I can't even see the Ethan that wrote that post. He had such high hopes for this year. He was going to straighten up his ways and blaze a path, making 2016 his best year yet. He was struggling, but he was optimistic. He was confused, and saw darkness on his horizon, but he was determined to fight it.

Nine months and two week later, I now know that Ethan didn't survive the battle.

Life sunk its' claws into that Ethan. And broke him.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Nine months and two weeks later, I mourn the loss of that Ethan. The Ethan with an inkling of hope for 2016. The Ethan who thought the dark times had ended and the time for a new era was neigh.

Nine months and two weeks later, I'm here writing this post. Trying to answer life's most important question:

Who is Ethan Gregory?

For the record, this sexy mo-fo is Ethan Gregory.

I've fought tooth and nail over the last year to answer that question. I've been broken beyond recognition and searched every part of my heart and soul to find myself. I've looked in every mirror and analyzed every moment looking for an answer. And still have come up empty. Or have I?

When I last wrote on my personal life, I was in a pretty dark place. Or, what I thought was a dark place. I was so burnt out on drama, on the book world, on life in general, that I thought I had hit rock bottom and the only place to go was up.

Then I fell into the sub basement. As I continued my descent into madness, I had to let go of the ties that were binding me to my old life. The first one was one of the strongest. The ties to one of my deepest loves and passions: the book world. As I mentioned in that post nine months ago, this blog and the book world have ruled my life for a very long time. I spent more time in front of a screen or my Nook working for someone else, that I forgot who I was. As mentioned before, I began to resent everything about this industry and honestly, nothing really changed.

The emails still continued to build up, the drama became more and more overbearing. The name calling, the snarkiness, the negative vibes coming from all corners of the arena. It became too much. Everything about the industry became too much for me to bear. Ethan was only one guy, trying to make a difference. But then something happened. I realized that no matter how hard I try, how much I stress, and no matter how many nights I stay awake wondering how I can change the industry: I can't. I'm but one person. I can't change the situation. I can only change the way I feel about the situation. I can change my outlook on life. And so I did.

I shrugged off the negativity. I found the root of the issue and I eradicated it from my life. I realized the only way for me to move on and find my footing again was to step back. Hardcord. Remove myself completely from the situation and then slowly find a way to fall back in love with the world that's saved me from the brink on more than one occasion. So I did. I quit.

I stopped accepting review requests. I resigned from my internship. I stopped reading. I turned off my email notifications. I backed out of several book events and conferences.

For the first time in years, I was free. And boy, was it liberating.

I lived life.

I embraced my life. For a few months, I was on cloud nine. My life was finally falling into place. I grew to a level of acceptance with my employment. I spent time exploring my life and finding what made me happy. I got to have fun. I went out, I made memories.

Third Eye Blind concert with Landon in March. This proved to be one of the most interesting nights of my life.Seriously. 

I explored the grey zone. That area between what I'd always considered taboo and wrong, and the white-picket-fence life I'd always aspired to have. I gave into life and let go. I allowed myself to experience things I'd only heard about. The kind of life you see on TV or read about in books. The kind of life where you fall asleep at night thankful and then wake up with a smile on your face ready to face it all again. Life was good. Life was great. 2016 was going to be my year.

I lived fully, never looking back or giving myself a reason to say no. I told myself to only say 'yes'. Don't think about the 'what ifs' or the 'how', just 'do it'. I made those kinds of life experiences you hope to one day tell your grandkids about. The kinds where you think 'what was I thinking?' but then laugh until you cry about the stories you can tell. I smile as I write this. I was feeling great. I've done the responsible adult thing for years. I got my degree(s), I worked hard. I was allowed a few months of fun, right?

I was, however, slightly weary.

When would life come crashing down? Could I really let myself be happy knowing that any day, it could come to a screeching halt? I tried not to worry. To live in the moment and take life as it came. I grew increasingly paranoid. I prayed I wouldn't sabotage my happiness. Every day was a blessing.

Until it wasn't.

Life gave me lemons.

Then the whole damn forest burnt down.

My life changed overnight. Literally. My high, all the carefree feelings I had? Everything changed when mortality and responsibility slapped me in the face so hard, I still feel the pain all this time later.

That cold night in February, after a night of questionable decisions and more stories, I got the call. The call that broke me in ways I didn't even know you could be broken. The night I almost said goodbye to someone very, very close to me. The night someone in my life made a snap decision that nearly ended theirs. The moment I realized that people in my life were suffering, way worse than me. Suffering in ways I still can't comprehend. Suffering in ways they didn't see a solution and there was only one way out.

I remember calling my best friend in the middle of the night, so ridiculously broken that I couldn't even speak right. I was inconsolable, scared, and without answers. I couldn't comprehend the decisions that were being made and I felt helpless to stop them.

After a night of no sleep, I spent the next several days in the ICU, watching as that person fought for their life. You never know how fortunate you are until you see someone you've known your entire life hooked up to machines, not knowing if or when they'll leave the hospital the same person. I watched as not only I broke, but all of those around me. I was shattered. As they grew stronger, and eventually left the hospital and sought out help, I couldn't piece myself back together. I tried, but my 'high' on life was over.

My entire mood changed, my outlook on life changed. Everything became a rush. Life was fleeting, and I was wasting mine. I had no direction, I didn't know what tomorrow held. I suddenly felt guilty for every moment of happiness I'd afforded myself as I shrugged my responsibilities. I resented myself and all the time I had wasted. I pulled away from the grey zone and flung myself clear into the darkness.

The next months I spent barely able to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. Or crying. I couldn't pull myself together. I don't know exactly what switch was flipped, but Ethan was gone. That voice in my head that told me to stay strong died. He was overpowered by voices of doubt, hatred, and fear. The needle on my moral compass spun so out of control, it flew into another orbit.

I found the few things in life that tethered me to reality. And I held on. Through all the darkness, I held on. To those two people that saved me from the edge of destruction. They held me as I cried, checked on me every day. Ensured that they'd be here for me regardless of the situation. They never left me alone. Never judged, never prodded. They made sure I worked, slept, ate. I couldn't have made it. They reminded me I was loved. Reminded me I had a purpose. Introduced me to new habits and actions. They welcomed me into their lives with open arms. And sheltered me from further harm.

JK Rowling said it best when she wrote: 'Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.'

I never had to live without love. In fact, I experienced love in ways I'd never felt before. I made sacrifices and after years of caring for others, I allowed someone to care for me. I let go of everything and for the first time focused on the only thing I could: myself. For the first time in nearly twenty-five years, I cared for myself.

I fell and allowed my friends to care for me. I may as well have had a live-in nurse. Even now there are huge gaps in my memory. Long periods of time I don't remember. Things I've completely blocked from my memory. Anyone who knows me, knows I have somewhat of a photographic memory. I remember everything so this is a big deal for me.

Much like Batman's escape from The Pit, it was a long journey, and it wasn't easy. It's so strange to be writing about this, but I fought as both my mind and body rebelled against me. I thought I was going crazy. The voices in my head, never ceasing. Constantly dragging me down. Becoming physically ill several times a day as I watched my life crumble, bit-by-bit each day. The voices tore at the walls around my psyche, eventually blasting through them. Effectively destroying the few things that made me, me.

Having already given up the book world, I turned to my other passions: broadway, comics, film. Nothing would fill the void. Everything disappointed me. I begun to feel that I'd never be happy again.

I watched as those around me, my friends and family dealt with huge life changes. Births, deaths, marriage, divorce. I watched it all through a window. Like a hazy fog. I couldn't even control my own emotions, how could I bring myself to care for theirs? I hated myself for pulling away from the friends who had been there for me, but I knew then (as I do now) that they not only understood, but applauded me for caring for myself.

After months of sadness, I woke up one day and realized something had snapped. I'd done all the crying I could. I saw what my life had become and I couldn't face it anymore. I had to make a change. I was absolutely ashamed of what I was. So thus I jumped to yet another phase I didn't see coming. The one that would truly be the end of Ethan.

Anger.

As the depression took hold, I became more paranoid than ever. The voices in my head grew to a cacophony of such magnitude, I couldn't sleep. I talked to myself. Yelled at myself. I punished myself. I was my own worst enemy. And as such, I destroyed the pillars around me. I lashed out at my friends and family. Distancing myself from them in the most drastic of ways. I tore myself apart from anything and everything that didn't involve me being alone in the dark, attempting to fight the demons in my mind.

It was months before I was able to find joy again. I honestly don't know that I smiled for weeks at a time. Between the sleeping pills and energy drinks, I was more zombie than human. I realized in an effort to save myself, I was slowly killing myself. I became sick. Disgustingly so. My body rebelled against me and my new lifestyle. I fought to control myself, but lost the battle. Terribly

The level of fitness I was so proud of just months before, became a sickening reality. I couldn't eat. I shook all the time. I was pale and gaunt. In the span of six months, I lost eighty pounds. Some from diet and exercise, but most from my trials and depression. I'm so happy to say I've kept the weight off and I feel better than ever now, but it was not the ideal diet. I'll be the first to admit.

Crazy transformation right? May 2014 vs May 2016. Now I look even more different than the pic on the right!

I thought things could only get better after reaching rock bottom. I was wrong. I thought I had nothing else to lose. Life has a funny way of kicking you while you're down, doesn't she?

April was the hardest month of my entire life. As long as I live, I think I may forever remember the last few weeks of April 2016 as being the hardest time of my life. It started out on a high note. I attended the Roanoke Author Invasion (hosted by one of my very best friends, the incredible Liz Long). It was my first book event of the year (after I had already bailed on three). I needed RAI. I needed the ten hour roadtrip and the weekend surrounded by my friends and the world I had loved. I needed it more than I could say. And it did wonders. I had an absolutely amazing time. I remembered why'd I'd turned to the book world and the security it provided me.

Roanoke Author Invasion with Liz Long, Jo Michaels, Tia Silverthorne-Bach, and P.M. Hernandez

I left Roanoke feeling like a rockstar. Positive and ready to take life by the horns. I felt Ethan stirring to life for the first time in months and did whatever I could to revive him. My old life was there. Ethan was still inside me somewhere, I just needed to bring him out. I came home feeling better than I had in months,

The last three weeks of April were.... trying. To say the very least.

In those three short weeks, I managed to lose three of the most important people in my life. What little bit of heart and soul I had wouldn't make it to May. In a moment of clarity, I realized the only way to move forward in life was to make amends with those who I'd long blamed for my sorrows. And I tried. With explosive results.

When you find yourself in a dark place, the worst thing you can do is surround yourself with others facing their own demons. You feed off one another. When I realized my darkness was being fed by another, I confronted the other and it didn't go well. I learned the hard way that you cannot help those who don't want help. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. As a result, I was forced to detach myself from one who I'd grown extremely close as they (literally) leapt from my life.

While reeling from this, my second tragedy unfolded. My very best friend in life, the girl I've loved since the day we met, faced her darkest hour. The one person in my life who has always been my constant. My catalyst to life and reality, she lost one of the most important people in her life only a week before leaving for boot camp. Our last moments together were shrouded in sadness. Not only would she have to learn to live life with a part of her heart missing, I'd have to learn to live with a large part of mine leaving at a time when I couldn't even hardly live with myself. I did what I could to be there for her. To shield her from spiraling out of control as I had. Grief and loss were emotions I was becoming close to. Closer in ways I didn't even know existed. Barely having time to recover from her loss, fate ripped us apart. For six long weeks, I had to live without my best friend. It was pure hell. Thankfully she's out now and I'm more proud of her than I can put into words, but man. It was a rough time for us both.

Hannah's Navy Boot Camp Graduation June 2016

With the absence of Hannah and the loss of my friend, I found April ending and leaving me in the darkest place yet. Sad and angry. I held fast to one of the only people I had left in life. I poured every ounce of emotion into one vessel and fell into our friendship so hard, we truly became two parts of the same person. Anyone who has experienced a friendship this deep knows how it feels. Words cannot describe the feeling of growing so close to someone. The kind of friendship that 'makes the bad and cold days have light and warmth'. The kind of relationship where the love is so strong, you know it's unhealthy. Love isn't always a physical manifestation, and in my experience emotional relationships are so much more trying than the physical ones.

They also end much more violently.

My mother is a pretty interesting lady. Most of my friends have heard my various 'Melissa-stories'. While we may not get along all the time, I have more respect for her than I can put into writing. The one thing I'll always carry with me is the mantra she's lived by my entire life. The philosophy she's instilled in me that I've learned this year to be more true than most anything I know: 'you can't help who you fall in love with'. Your heart and soul are drawn to who they are and there's truly little-to-nothing you can do about it.

Melissa (Mom) and Austin (brother). Just for reference. 

But that being said, sometimes your heart and mind disagree. When I found myself in a position I shouldn't have, I made brash decisions that left me questioning my entire existence up to this point. After much soul searching, my mind overpowered my heart and decided I wasn't in a good place. It was right, of course. But the break I'd have to make would be anything but clean.

Tearing yourself away from your one source of protection is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I literally felt as though I'd ripped my soul in two. Ethan came back to life in a way that didn't come from strength, but desperation. I needed him back as he was all I had left. The light, the dark, the grey. It was all ripped from me. My heart was shattered in more pieces than I could ever hope to put back together. I was blinded.

My life had no light. No direction. I fell. Spiraled into a darkness I never knew existed. Everything about this reality was a living hell. The very air I breathed depressed me.

I tore myself away from any vestiges of my former life. Vowing to spend some time alone. Finding myself. Knowing I could never be happy until I learned to love myself and stopped depending upon others for my own happiness. Much like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, Old Ethan and New Ethan were inside of me, leaning upon one another, struggling for their very existence. I never knew who I'd see when I looked into the mirror. I didn't know who I was, but each day I grew both weaker and stronger.

Over the next several months, life was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't feel comfortable anywhere and nothing I did seemed right. I always felt like I was missing *something*. A huge chunk of my heart and soul were missing and no matter what I did, I never felt whole.

With some friends, I managed to attend several awesome events that have become a staple in my life. Planet Comicon (for the fourth year running) was an incredible experience. I met Stan Lee. Well... waved at Stan Lee, but he DID wave back. My partner in crime, Christina Marie (you guys all know who she is) and I really tore up the town and lived the Comicon experience to the fullest.

Planet Comicon with Christina Marie May 2016

The next month I sunk my claws into UtopiaCon for the 3rd time where I was an invited guest. I spoke on a panel regarding book blogging to a packed house alongside four other industry professionals I have the deepest of respect for. It was a week full of lasting memories alongside more friends, but most definitely a rough week for me mentally. I was so glad to have such an awesome support system on hand while I continued to live my dreams. I met so many amazing folks and reconnected with even more old friends. It was a week of ups and downs for me, but in the end, I cherish the memories I made and the experiences I had.

UtopiaCon 2016: I was on a panel! People came to hear ME talk! Can you imagine?

They say bad things come in threes, and unfortunately I found this to be true. In August, my third trial came. I lost my grandmother. My father's mother. She and I were close and her passing really took its' toll on me. In a year full of loss, I hated to experience more, yet I was glad to know she was no longer suffering. My grandma was an incredible woman and was taken from us very suddenly, with little warning. That being said, I am still incredibly thankful for the time I got to spend with her. Many of you saw my memorial to her as I wrote my feelings towards her passing. As a result of that post, at my family's request, I gave the eulogy at Grandma's funeral. Sharing my thoughts with her friends and our family. It was an honor to pay homage to someone who has so special in my life.

My life that, as you can see, had been trampled upon. 2016 has not been kind to me.

Throughout the remainder of the summer, I worked even harder to maintain a balance, but eventually had to come to a hard decision.

I needed help.

It was clear to me that this wasn't just a rough patch I was going through, and I needed the assistance of a professional. After consulting with friends and family, I sought out professional help for my... problems (if you can't tell yet, I hate the 'D' word. I deplore putting labels on anything!) After some hard conversations with my doctor, we planned a course of action and together found a treatment that best fit my lifestyle.

Treatment hasn't been easy, but effective nonetheless.

Eventually I regained my independence. It's an odd feeling to feel so alone, even when you know you never have to be. I isolated myself. Allowing only the closet members of my inner circle to know anything of what I was experiencing. I talked, they listened. Many offering kind words of encouragement, some listening to me cry, some silent as they just allowed me to vent. I slowly came to realize that the one I once called my worst enemy, was actually my closest ally.

Myself.

Ethan.

He was in there this whole time. He just needed a break I guess. I still haven't figured out exactly what went wrong. I haven't figured out where he went for all these months when I needed him more than ever. I realized that I didn't hate him. And he didn't hate me. I was proud of him.

Ethan is strong. Intelligent. Hardworking. Ethan has two degrees. Speaks three languages. Has read more literature than he can count. Loves deeply, lives fully. Has an incredible family, and Avi. Ethan has an Avi! What isn't to love about Ethan? I realized that all the things I hated about myself. All the insecurities I'd faced were actually what made me strong. What makes us special, makes us strong.

I have an Avi. Best pig ever. Seriously. Look at that face. Forreal. 

 I didn't need to lose Ethan. I needed to love Ethan. I needed to accept Ethan. I needed to embrace Ethan.

And so I did.

It wasn't easy. In fact, it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. To fall in love with myself again. To allow myself to open myself up to feelings and emotions, to love again. To live again.

Because what's not to fall in love with? I mean have you seen me ? Come on. Damn. The sticker says it all. Oh and Lindsey is alright looking too, I guess. 

I watched and stood beside one of my best friends as he married the love of his life. I was surprised to learn I've got a niece/nephew on the way in the form of a pregnant best friend. I've fallen back into a comfortable groove at work, where I'm excelling beyond anything I have ever done before. I've made new friends. Friends who I can text at any time and say 'put on pants, we're going on an adventure'. And they don't question my motives. They join my parade of crazy and we have adventures that leave me filled with joy again. I've opened my heart yet again. I'm ready to love life. I'm ready to accept change and have the courage to accept the things I cannot.

Koko's Wedding (August 13, 2016)

I've reconnected with the ones I've lost. Well, some of them. It's going to be rocky, but I know that one of the biggest parts of being happy is learning to let go of the past. While things may never work out quite how we sometimes want them to, so long as we have good intentions and a positive outlook, I strongly believe it's worth trying. Love is the strongest of all emotions, and with love on your side, you really cannot lose. Love trumps hate. Hate is hard. Hate hurts. Hate will eat at your soul until there's nothing left. I've learned that you have to forgive others. It's been a struggle for me, but I've come to accept many different facets of my life and that's been a huge one.

Head Broseph Jordan and I (Sept 2016) 

Slowly but surely, I found Ethan again. Together we did things Ethan loved. I reconnected with nature. I reconnected with old friends. Friends that Ethan had. Friends that Ethan loved and who loved Ethan before he turned into someone who didn't recognize his reflection. He reconnected with life.

And then guess what happened? I fell in love with Literature. AGAIN.

I'm not back to 100%. Not by a long shot. In fact, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever again go back to the constant level of book worlding I was doing. To be honest, the idea of writing reviews makes my skin crawl, but I do have several to do. The past couple of months, I have started reading on the regular. I've ready about 30 novels this summer. Some amazing new works by my favorite authors and a few of my all time favorites to remind me why I fell in love with the written word. I'm getting away from the things I feel like I 'have' to do and finally working on things I 'want' to do. I'm working with fewer people and not taking on so many large projects, but Ethan FINALLY started getting back into the swing of things.

I'm still here.

I'm still fighting.

Trying each and every day to see the positives in life. Coming to terms with both of the beings living inside me. Old Ethan and New Ethan, finding a symbiotic balance inside my mind. Allowing me to fully embrace both my light and dark sides. And coming to terms with that being okay.

Because it is okay.

Nobody is perfect. Life is messy

Love is messy.

I don't know my place on this Earth quite yet. I know that sometimes we go through rough patches. I know that it's okay to ask for help. I actually consider it quite brave to realize you've reached a certain point and be able to say 'I can't do this on my own anymore'. And finding the help you need. Life shouldn't be dreaded. We only get one.

Ethan's not completely healed yet. But he's on the mend. As for the rest of me, I'm working to face my demons. I'm still looking out for number one, but I've learned more in the last year than I ever learned in 22 years of schooling. Life isn't measured in moments of victory and triumph, it's measured in the moments you find yourself in the face of adversary and how you rise to the occasion. It's not about proving yourself to others, it's about finding your own sense of well-being and self-worth.

It took me 25 years to learn that the key to my success and happiness isn't going to be found on a piece of paper. A fancy car, home, or six-figure salary. It's inside me. It's been inside me all along. It's in the faces of those I love. In those I trust. In my family whom I love dearly and who believe and support me. In my friends who never turned their backs on me. Who never told me to 'get over it'. Who never shunned me.

Oh I lied. The key to happiness is Funkos. Straight up. I've got well over 200 of these little bastards floating around. I channeled a lot of my energy and emotions into collecting these little guys this year. Time and money well spent, right? I also do Funko photography now.... it's a thing. Go check out my Instagram accounts at @egrgry and @pigandpops!

Even those who broke me, helped me in the end. I won. I'm winning. Life isn't a game, but dammit, I'm out to win. I'm not in it for fame and fortune, but I am here to stay. I'm not giving up.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I really don't, and that's okay. I have spent my entire life fearing the unknown. Allowing my anxiety to shape me into something unhealthy. Never able to accept what I cannot see. It's bizarre to say, but actually enjoy spontaneity now. I like not knowing where life may take me next. I love the random adventures I find myself taking, and I'm loving the new memories I'm making each and every day.

This year has sucked. I mean woah holy hell. It's been horrible. But it's finally looking up. And I mean it this time. In three weeks, I turn twenty-five. I'm a quarter of a century old. I'm nowhere close to where I wanted to be at age 25, but you know what? That's okay.

I had a bucket list. Things I wanted to accomplish before I hit this milestone, and believe it or not, I've hit several of them. I've missed a few opportunities that I'm still kicking myself for, but 25 sure isn't the end, it's just the beginning. I survived childhood, my teens, and my New Adulthood. It's smooth sailing from here on out, right?

Right? Right.....

Kidding. Kidding.

But let's be honest, now that I've gotten my quarter-life crisis out of the way, maybe the mid-life one won't be so horrible. What's going bald if you get a motorcycle out of it, right? (*prays biggest problems at 45 are going bald and wanting a motorcycle*)

I've thrown a couple of quotes in here already to describe my place in life right now, but I'd like to share another quote from one of my closest friends and confidantes, Bestselling Author Sherry D. Ficklin. This quote touched me from the day I read it and I've never related so closely with a character as I did hers in this moment:

"I have made mistakes that I will never be able to atone for, and I have allowed myself to be selfish in ways you might never understand. I’m not proud of my choices, but neither would I retract a single one."

The funny thing is that no matter how much I love that quote, I'm not sure I completely agree with it anymore. I am proud of myself for the choices I made. I pulled myself away and protected myself at a time when life could have taken a very different direction. While I wish I could alter some decisions, I no longer consider them mistakes of my past, but stepping stones on the path of where and who I am today. 

Friends and family, I implore you. Don't give into the darkness. Live your life to the fullest and without regrets. Don't ever be ashamed to seek guidance and never be too embarrassed to say "I need help". There is always someone out there who can help. Don't be afraid to live, and certainly never be afraid to love.

But above all: love yourself. Claim yourself. Don't live in the grey zone.

Embrace the light.

Embrace the dark.

Embrace you.

Defy the conventions of society and 'do you'. 

As written in my favorite novel, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire: 

“Remember this: Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny.”

Hug your loved ones folks. Never miss an opportunity to share your love and spirit with the world. The world in which we live would truly be a better place if we could all do our part to leave it just a little more positive than we found it. 

I thank you all for your kind words, love, and your support this year. I never would have made it through it without you. Ethan is here to stay and getting stronger each and every day. I thank the heavens above for every breath I get to take, Thank you to my family for supporting me and helping me to get the help I needed. Thank you to my brothers and sisters (both biological and not) for being here for me. For giving me strength at a time I had none. Thank you to my colleagues and book world peeps for all the love and messages, reminding me that I am never alone. 

I'm healthier than I've ever been and I'm working to make 25 the best year of my entire life. 

I've got some huge changes on the horizon that I'm keeping under my hat for the time being, but I know so long as I keep the faith, everything is going to work out in the end. 

As for the book world? Don't worry, I'm here. Maybe in a smaller, more intimate capacity, but I'm here nonetheless. I'll start reviewing again, but until that day, I'm here. Reading. Listening. And loving every second. For the first time in a very long time.

Because eventually I just realized. Some days you gotta put on your robe and beard, grab your fake wand and be a wizard. Because life's too short to be anything less... than a wizard. I'm a 25 year old man in a costume. Your point?

It's going to take time and I know there'll be good days and bad, but each day I get stronger, and I know deep down, I'm ready to face the next chapter of my life with excitement and open arms. 

Here's to you 2016: you may have kicked me down, but you taught me more than I would have ever imagined. 

God Bless.

Until next time, Happy Reading!

-Ethan

Pride Month Round-Up: Best of LGBT from BooksByMigs and One Guy's Guide to Good Reads

**Post written by Ashley from BooksByMigs through our collaboration**

 

Ethan messaged me last night with this wonderful idea. Because June is Pride month he was telling me how I should have done something special on the blog highlighting some of my favorite LGBT novels. I loved the idea so much we decided to collaborate and feature some of our favorites!

Ethan's Round-Up

As anyone who’s hung out over on my blog will tell you, it’s my goal in the book world to make an impact as a male reader. I review from a male’s POV, offering new insight to both authors and readers. Being a straight male blogger has really taught me multiple things about not only the book world, but about life itself. There is so much knowledge to be learned through the power of literature. I’ve had my eyes opened and my beliefs confirmed, all through the movement of the written word.

While not a member of the LGBT community myself, some of my closest friends are. Through them I have seen firsthand the struggles that those in their community have faced. The monumental movements and strides made this week will forever impact their lives for the better. It is with great honor that we support them here today. That being said, I was, understandably hesitant to read my first LGBT read. Especially an m/m read. It’s not something I have any experience with personally, so I wasn’t sure how I would feel about reading one. I’m so glad I took a chance and read my first LGBT novel, as it definitely changed my life. Each and every one of the incredible novels I am featuring in my list has made a positive impact on my life in a variety of reasons. This is really a special thing for me to say, as romance is among my very least favorite genre. These novels have really changed the way I read. While I have only read a handful of novels that fit into this category, I know that there are many more that will touch me the way these stories have. In no particular order, here are my top four LGBT reads:

• Stolen by Becca Vincenza
The very first LGBT book that I read. I remember I only took the plunge because it was a paranormal novel primarily. From page one I was hooked and couldn’t let go. The relationship between Drake and Xavier is also probably among the most unique I have ever read. While they don't "fall in love" in the traditional sense, the fall in love, nonetheless. They are 'life mates', each others' one true love. While they are both extremely resistant at first, their budding friendship and relationship is seriously a thing of beauty. Completely take the sexual element out of the equation and at its' base, their relationship is rock solid. It was really interesting to read about that. Becca opened my eyes to this sub genre and I am honored that her novel was my first read.

     
• The Understatement of the Year by Sarina Bowen
If you guys follow my blog, you know that I am a huge Sarina Bowen fan. Her Ivy Years series is among my all-time favorite NA Contemporary series. Each novel in this series hit me in a different way, but none hit me in the particular way that this one did. The relationship between Rikker and Graham was so incredibly hard for me to read. Their love story wasn’t an easy one. It was cringe-worthy at times and left me such an emotional wreck that few have topped since. Talking out the LGBT element out of the equation, you see two friends whose complicated relationship nearly cost them their happiness. To say it was emotional is a huge understatement. That being said, through this novel, I learned so much about what it means to be a New Adult member of the LGBT community. Sarina Bowen really helped to open my eyes to the issues faced by members in 2015.

      
• Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire-Saenz
This one was strictly a recommendation from my good friend Christina over at LuLo FanGirl. This is one of Christina’s all time favorite reads, with great reason. Oh man, get ready to catch the feels, I know I did. While the LGBT portion of this novel doesn’t present itself until the last part of the novel, the budding relationship between the characters of Dante and Aristotle was nothing short of literary perfection. Their character development was among the best I have ever read. Their love story was truly one for the ages. Full of emotion and triumph, watching them come into their own was such a rewarding experience.

    
• Trust the Focus by Megan Erickson
I only came across this novel thanks to the recommendation of our Ashley here from Books by Migs. She’s such a big Megan Erickson fan that I had been wanting to read one of her novels for months when I came across this one. I really didn’t know what to expect from the novel, but I can tell you that in the end I came out of it a better person. Justin and Landry’s relationship was one emotional roller coaster ride. And one that I really could relate to. They were both coming out of a very important part of their lives with some immense baggage on their shoulders. It was only through finding their relationship with one another that they were able to overcome their issues and make it through to the end. It was truly a beautifully crafter and incredible story of love, hope, and compassion. It was an honor to devour it.

Love is love and I am so proud to share with you guys these four LGBT novels that have changed my perspective on the genre. It isn’t one that I read often, but each novel I have read has changed me in some way, shape, or form. While romance will never be one of my favorite genres, novels such as these keep me coming back for more. It was truly an honor to experience each and every one of these reads. I highly recommend them to any and all readers, regardless of your beliefs or reading mindset. You won’t be disappointed! Huge congratulations to the LGBT community this week on their huge victory! Let’s all continue to work together to achieve equality for all and make the world a little brighter with each passing day! Happy Reading!

Ashley's Round-Up

June is a wonderful month for me. Not only does my daughter’s birthday fall in June, it’s also Pride Month. Everyone in the LGBTQ+ community gets together and celebrates us. We let the world know we are here and proud of who we are. We let them know that it’s okay to be us and we love just as much as they do. If you’ve never been to a Pride parade or festival I suggest you get to one next year. They are so much fun and can open your eyes to so much. Now that June has come to an end it’s such a blessing to be able to look back on this wonderful month and see all the good that has happened for our community. The biggest thing? The Supreme Court granted marriage to same sex couples in all 50 states! I didn’t think I’d see this or that it would even happen as quickly as it did. I love that my friends and family can marry, legally, and have it recognized all over the country. My heart is so full. Like I’ve said before, I adore reading LGBT novels. I get to see some of my favorite groups of people find love, be accepted and just live their lives. We are people too. We deserve recognition. Equality. Love. So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite novels. No particular order.

• Focus on Me by Megan Erickson
I love this book so much. Megan is so skilled in not just writing romance, but actually digging deeper into how people actually work. Focus on Me is no different. She created these two characters, Colin and Riley, and everything about them felt true and real. I lived their story with them and it wasn’t an easy one. Without getting into the story because it’s not out just yet (soon though! July 21st!) it’s not spoilery to say that mental illness plays a huge role in the plot of Focus on Me. That’s the big plot device on this story, not their being gay. I loved that. Both Colin and Riley were already out and proud and didn’t have any problems with being their true self. We need more of that in this world.

    
• Captive Prince & Prince’s Gambit by C.S. Pacat
There’s so much that can be said about these novels, and probably the third when it finally comes out. Damen and Laurent are everything. The series is a little bit fantasy, a little bit romance and a whole lot of awesome. Damen and Laurent’s being gay or bisexual have no bearing on the story at all. The story is about so much more than that. It’s about friendship and trust. It’s about fighting for what you believe in and making sure those you care for are taking care of. Thanks to my lovely friend, Lia Riley, I was introduced to this series and I love her immensely for it.

    
• Under the Lights by Dahlia Adler
Lesbians! Do you know how hard it is to find good lesbian fiction? Especially in Young Adult? Very. But Dahlia did it and she did it so well. Vanessa and Brianna are amazing. I fell for them as they fell for each other. 

 During the story Vanessa realizes she’s gay and needs to come to terms with that. And she tells her family and friends who she really is as well. This is so important to see in a book because there are so many kids out there who my feel like her and need to know that it’s okay to be true to themselves. And then there’s Bri. She’s bisexual and is not afraid to be herself. She’s not afraid to love who she falls for and that’s wonderful.

     
• Rush by Nyrae Dawn
This book, you guys. This. Book. I cannot say enough about this book. It’s one of my favorites ever. I mean outside of it being about two guys. Brandon’s coming out and dealing with the fallout because he’s this big college football player and Alec’s standing by his friend and the man he loves. It’s beautiful. It’s not an easy story to read but one that many people live. And Brandon’s parents? I love them so much. They exemplify how parents should act. They love their child unconditionally and sadly that just seems to be rare these days.

*****

Ashley really blew this post out of the water and I am so pumped to share it with you guys. Ashley is another amazing bookish friend of mine and this is our first official collaboration. We're so glad you stopped by to heard our take on LGBT reads! What are some of your favorites? Have you read ours? Share your thoughts in the comments below! Until next time, Happy Reading!

-Ethan

Top 15 Reads of 2015 (so far)! (Plus Giveaway)

Hello and Happy Wednesday readers! Welcome one and all to a very special edition of One Guy's Guide to Good Reads. I'm taking a step back today to continue on a tradition I started last July 1st! Are you ready for some awesome? Here we go!

Today is the first day of July meaning that the year of 2015 is halfway over! We are six months gone guys! Where has it disappeared to!? Wow! Well, to celebrate passing the halfway point I am going to count down my Top FIFTEEN Reads of 2015! You read right, my top 15 favorite reads of 2015 thus far! This list has been chosen from books I have read that were released in 2015. While I have read many, many amazing books in 2015, unfortunately many of them were older reads so this has been rather difficult to come up with only fifteen. This list also covers all genres I enjoy. I've got a nice grab bag of all genres featured here! 

At the end of the year, I will continue the tradition again and narrow this list down to my Top 15 Books of 2015! It'll be a really rough decision, but I know if the second half of the year is as good to me as the first, it'll be awesome. 

Alright, let's get cracking! I'll be sharing The cover, synopsis, and purchase and Goodreads links for each novel. As an added bonus, click the cover to read my review of each novel! 

*Please note the following novels are in no particular order*

1. Hooked by Christine Manzari

If you ask the confident and snarky skater girl, and she’s in the mood to share, she’ll tell you her name is Cat. She might even tell you that she’s hooked on graffiti, 80s movies, and having fun—the riskier the better. Cat will share a good time with you, but she won’t ever trust you enough to share her heart. It’s protected by secrets and she’d like to keep it that way.

Cat knows one thing for certain: Love isn’t really her thing.

If you ask the confident and rich pretty boy, he might tell you his name is Huck. He might even tell you he loves a challenge and is used to getting his way. He won’t tell you that his life is a mess because he risked his heart by trusting the wrong girl. Huck is ready for a change, he just wasn’t ready to get hooked on someone like Cat.

Huck knows one thing for certain: Love hasn’t done him any favors, but Cat just might be worth the risk.

Cat and Huck think a one-night stand seems harmless, but when all the little secrets they didn’t share turn out to be toxic truths, they realize how easily a one-night stand (or a few) could ruin everything.

The thing is, you can be ruined in more than one way. Once you’re HOOKED, what wouldn’t you risk for the chance at more?

2. The Forgotten Mountain (The Collectors' Society #3) by Heather Lyons

After years spent in Wonderland, Alice Reeve learned the impossible was quite possible after all. She thought she left such fantastical realities behind when she finally returned to England.

Now Alice has become a member of the clandestine Collectors’ Society, and the impossible has found her again in the form of an elusive villain set on erasing entire worlds. As she and the rest of the Society race to bring this mysterious murderer to justice, the fight becomes painfully personal.

Lives are being lost. Loved ones are shattered or irrevocably altered. Each step closer Alice gets to the shadowy man she hunts, the more secrets she unravels, only to reveal chilling truths. If she wants to win this war and save millions of lives, Alice must once more embrace the impossible and make the unimaginable, imaginable.

Sometimes, the rabbit hole leads to terrifying places.

3. Queen of Tomorrow (Stolen Empire #2) by Sherry Ficklin

Sophie—now Catherine, Grand Duchess of Russia—had a tough first year at Imperial Court. Married at sixteen to Grand Duke Peter, heir to the throne, and settled in their own palace, things are finally looking up. As a new day dawns, she thinks only of securing her future, and the future of their country, during one of the greatest political upheavals of her time. Fighting desperately against forces trying to depose the Empress Elizabeth and put the young Prince Ivan on her throne, Sophie soon finds herself in the middle of a war brewing between her beloved Prussia, and her new empire. But even as she navigates the fragile political landscape, she quickly realizes that she has only begun to discover the tangled web of deceit and infidelity woven over the lavish court of Oranienbaum Palace.

When a strange and delicate alliance forms between the young couple, she glimpses a future of happiness, only to see it lost in a moment at the hands of those who still seek to end her life—and prevent her reign. Out of favor with the empress and running out of options, Sophie will have to sacrifice her own innocence on the altar of Russia if she is to save the nation, and herself. To survive, she will have to do the unthinkable, betray those closest to her and become something greater and more dangerous than she ever imagined she could be… a queen. 

          

4. Stolen Fire (Kindling Flame #4) by Julie Wetzel

Night. A time of quiet, of peace, of rest, and now, a time of terror.

With an uncontrolled vampire plaguing the city, the Vampire Council of Brenton once again calls on Darien Ritter for help.
Overwhelmed with the issues of a new menagerie and plans for his wedding, Darien still manages to step up and answer the call. The only problem is, he suddenly finds himself a little too… human.

          

5. Hunted (Donvan Circus #4) by Liz Long

Lucy Sullivan finally belongs with the gifted Donovan Circus. Members are finding their rhythm, even the new folks from the Grayson Circus who joined after the last attack. Lucy feels like a trusted leader who can win the gifted battles and prevent humans from discovering their existence.

When tragedy strikes camp, a distraught Sheffield sends Lucy and her gifted team to hunt down the enemy – Alex, a Chameleon with a wicked ability for war. He’s out for blood and won’t stop until Lucy and her friends are dead.

This time, it won’t be Lucy’s gift that is tested – it will be her morality. To save her circus, the price will be greater than she ever expected. This time, she will lose someone she loves. And it will change everything.

          

6. Deadland Rising (Deadland Saga #3) by Rachel Aukes

The search for hope in a shambling world...

Winter has arrived. 

It has been nearly one year since the zombie hordes claimed the world. As the plague eats away at its victims’ bodies, the Fox survivors search for a safe place to rebuild what they have lost. But a dangerous new threat has risen, hunting them from every direction. To survive, Cash, Clutch, and their small band of refugees must put their faith in a group of strangers and a new government with radical plans. It will take all of the Fox survivors’ strength and courage to endure in this barren, hostile world. Even that might not be enough.


(Deadland Rising is a journey through Dante Alighieri's Paradiso, the classic tale on the seven virtues… zombie apocalypse style!)

          

7. Earth God (World Aflame #4) by Jon Messenger

THE EARTH GIVES WAY TO THE SEA,
THE SEA BOWS BEFORE THE WIND,
THE WIND FEEDS THE FLAME,
THE FLAME BURNS THE WORLD OF MAN DOWN TO THE EARTH.

The Fire Elemental has risen and its followers, the Fire Caste, have destroyed the planet. Humanity hangs on the cusp of extinction; their only hope now lies with the troubled Wind Warrior, Xander Sirocco.

Xander has absorbed the power of the Wind and Water Elementals but at great personal cost. Finding Sammy has been his anchor through the chaos around him, but now he finds himself wondering if saving her is enough.

Sammy remains a prisoner of the Fire Elemental, her mind trapped, as the dragon possesses her body. Her love for Xander keeps her going, but will her passion be enough to stop the Elemental from killing Xander once and for all?

Humanity's last hope rests in Xander finding the Earth Elemental. Claiming the power of the Earth is the last step before he can confront the dragon holding Sammy hostage. Unfortunately, he's not the only one who knows the location of the Earth Elemental.
It's a race against time between Xander and the dragon to claim the last of the Elemental power and bring an end to a war that's spanned millennia.

Earth God is the exciting conclusion to the bestselling and award-winning World Aflame series.

          

8. The Shameless Hour (Ivy Years #4) by Sarina Bowen

The girl who’s had everyone meets the boy who has no one.

For Bella, the sweet-talking, free-loving, hip-checking student manager of the Harkness men’s hockey team, sex is a second language. She’s used to being fluent where others stutter, and the things people say behind her back don’t (often) bother her. So she can’t understand why her smoking hot downstairs neighbor has so much trouble staying friends after their spontaneous night together. She knows better than to worry about it, but there’s something in those espresso eyes that makes her second guess herself.

Rafe is appalled with himself for losing his virginity in a drunken hookup. His strict Catholic upbringing always emphasized loving thy neighbor—but not with a bottle of wine and a box of condoms. The result is an Ivy League bout of awkwardness. But when Bella is leveled by a little bad luck and a downright sinister fraternity stunt, it’s Rafe who is there to pick up the pieces.

Bella doesn’t want Rafe's help, and she’s through with men. Too bad the undeniable spark that crackles between the two of them just can't be extinguished.

          

9. The Harvest (The Last Orphans #2) by N.W. Harris

Shane Tucker and his friends thought they managed to save the world from the destructive machine that killed off most of its adult population. Unfortunately, a war nobody was prepared for has only just begun. Now they find themselves joining ranks with a secret organization that will train them to fight for the right to survive. Taking refuge alongside other teenage survivors in a hidden base set deep within the mountains, they will learn how to repel an imminent attack by an ancient race of aliens.

Determined to safeguard the children under their charge, Shane and his friends compete for the ultimate prize—a suicide mission against the flagship of the alien fleet. While Shane's feelings for Kelly deepen, along with his need to protect her, he finds emotions clouding his judgment. He’ll gladly die for her. But he refuses to die with her. No amount of training can prepare them for what is to come. Everything the brave teenagers have endured thus far will be eclipsed, with the freedom of humanity hanging in the balance.

The Harvest is the heart-pumping sequel to The Last Orphans by N.W. Harris.

          

10. Amusement (Carnival #2) by K.B. Nelson

Love isn’t easy.

Charlie Scott is homesick and tired. She misses the town and the people she left behind. Living a life on the run hasn’t been easy for her, and she’s ready to face the consequences, even if it means leaving the love of her life, Blue, behind.

Home is where the heart is.

Eight months after returning home, Charlie’s life is finally in order. She has a job she loves and her relationship with her father has never been better. But underneath the image of her perfect life, trouble bubbles to the surface.

You can’t escape your past.

Torn between a normal life and the life she left behind, Charlie remains steadfast in her resolve to create a better tomorrow for herself and for her friends. But life has a way of throwing curveballs, and this next one hits her right in the face—Blue returns to Lakeview a changed man.

Second chances are rare..

There are two things Charlie knows for certain; she loves Blue, and he’s not good for her. Charlie must come to terms with her past and her present. She must determine if she could possibly have a future with the man she threw her life away for. She has a second chance at love, but is it worth the risk when her future could hang in the balance?

Don’t miss the exciting, heartfelt final chapter in the epic love story between two lost souls fumbling their way through life and love. Not suitable for those under the age of 18.

     

11. Hexed Hearts by Becca Vincenza

Colette had known all her life that she was half human and half werewolf. She had no expectations of a life filled with love and adventure.

Everything changed on her 21st birthday. A curse cast by witches centuries ago set things in motion, things she could have never imagined. A past that Colette has no clue about has come back to steal her away.

When Hunter, her destined but very unexpected mate, arrives, she is at a complete loss. She must learn to forget an old love and how to make room for a new love.

The curse is being recast and Colette must stop it in order to save the wolves, all the while finding who she really is.

This is a New Adult, there is some subject matter not suitable for those under the age of 18  

          

12. The Ruin of the World (The World Without End #4) by Nazarea Andrews

When the zombies rose, we thought the world ended. It didn’t—it just broke, in a way we couldn’t fix. And we found ways to continue, reasons to fight. Faith. Family. Politics. Obsession. The most dangerous of all—hope. But when all of that is stripped away, and nothing remains but rage and betrayal—that is the true end of the world.

Return to the World Without End, for a final battle for hope and survival in the exciting conclusion to Nazarea Andrews’ phenomenal series.

     

13. Defend (A Lost Tribe #2) by Kallie Ross

After emerging from her Descent into an uncharted underground world, Ollie Miller is sure of three things. First, her feelings for her best friend, Mateo, are far from platonic. She can't even look at Mateo without blushing at the memory of his lips on hers. Second, an evil man named Zadok is plotting to destroy the civilization above the surface. Third, there is no way to save the earth without returning underground. At least this time, she will have her mother along with Mateo and her friends to help guide her.
On their journey, noor, a mystical blessing guides them, but only if they’re willing to follow. Ollie’s determined to save the tribe from their evil leader, even if it means facing off with her long-lost grandfather. As Zadok comes face to face with his runaway daughter and his granddaughter, his plan starts to unravel, but is it too late to stop the destruction that he put into motion? Can the tribe survive and the surface be saved? Will Ollie learn to trust her own heart before it is too late?

Defend is the conclusion to Ollie's discovery of a lost tribe in Descent. Don’t miss this adventure, brimming with ancient secrets and a thrilling underworld.

          

14. Past Heaven by Laura Ward

Not every love story has a happy ending. Some just change your life.

Liz Atwater’s happily ever after was torn from her the instant her husband, Jack, was murdered. She is forced to pick up the shattered pieces of her life and raise her three young sons alone.

Reynolds Carter’s picture perfect Hollywood life ended the moment the paparazzi got hold of his girlfriend’s cheating scandal. As he watches his life unfold in the tabloids, he comes to a crossroads in his career and his purpose.

When Reynolds takes on the challenge of a new project, his world collides with that of Liz. Neither of them expected their professional relationship to evolve into friendship, or love.

But life is never simple.

Faced with complications from family, friends, and colleagues, Liz and Reynolds are left to decide whether two people from such different worlds can find happiness together.

Can they get past the pain, fear, and guilt and risk their hearts to love again?

Not every love story is just a happy ending. Some completely change your life.

     

15. NoWhere But Here (Thunder Road #1) by Katie McGarry

Seventeen-year-old Emily likes her life the way it is: doting parents, good friends, good school in a safe neighborhood. Sure, she's curious about her biological father—the one who chose life in a motorcycle club, the Reign of Terror, over being a parent—but that doesn't mean she wants to be a part of his world. But when a reluctant visit turns to an extended summer vacation among relatives she never knew she had, one thing becomes clear: nothing is what it seems. Not the club, not her secret-keeping father and not Oz, a guy with suck-me-in blue eyes who can help her understand them both. Oz wants one thing: to join the Reign of Terror. They're the good guys. They protect people. They're…family. And while Emily—the gorgeous and sheltered daughter of the club's most respected member—is in town, he's gonna prove it to her. So when her father asks him to keep her safe from a rival club with a score to settle, Oz knows it's his shot at his dream. What he doesn't count on is that Emily just might turn that dream upside down. No one wants them to be together. But sometimes the right person is the one you least expect, and the road you fear the most is the one that leads you home.

          

 *****

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Alright readers, there we have it! My FIFTEEN Top Reads of 2015 (so far)! I had SO much fun compiling this post for you guys. What have you been reading this year? See any of your favorites here? These reads have all made 2015 one of the best bookish years of my life! As you can see, several of these are part of a series (with a majority of them being series finales) that you will NOT want to miss. Take advantage of those links folks, add these incredible novels to your TBR today!

What are YOUR Top Reads of 2015 (so far)? I'd love to hear your picks! Share your thoughts in the comments below! Enter the giveaway before you leave!

Thanks so much for stopping by. Until next time, Happy Reading! 

-Ethan