Searching for Answers in a Life Full of Questions (AKA Where the Hell Have I Been Part 2)

Hello readers! Very long time, no talk.

No seriously, it's been so long since I drafted a blog post that I had to confirm my identity to Blogger. That's beyond embarrassing. Hello world! It's Ethan, and believe it or not, I am still alive. I'm writing today for the first time in... months. I've come to you today with some feels I've been holding in for quite some time that I'm ready to get out into the open. With explanation for my absence and for support from my tribe.

Nine months and two weeks ago, I posted a very important post entitled "Mandatory 'Where the Hell Have I Been?' Post". January 13, 2016 seems an entire lifetime away from me now. I just re-read that post and I can't even see the Ethan that wrote that post. He had such high hopes for this year. He was going to straighten up his ways and blaze a path, making 2016 his best year yet. He was struggling, but he was optimistic. He was confused, and saw darkness on his horizon, but he was determined to fight it.

Nine months and two week later, I now know that Ethan didn't survive the battle.

Life sunk its' claws into that Ethan. And broke him.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Nine months and two weeks later, I mourn the loss of that Ethan. The Ethan with an inkling of hope for 2016. The Ethan who thought the dark times had ended and the time for a new era was neigh.

Nine months and two weeks later, I'm here writing this post. Trying to answer life's most important question:

Who is Ethan Gregory?

For the record, this sexy mo-fo is Ethan Gregory.

I've fought tooth and nail over the last year to answer that question. I've been broken beyond recognition and searched every part of my heart and soul to find myself. I've looked in every mirror and analyzed every moment looking for an answer. And still have come up empty. Or have I?

When I last wrote on my personal life, I was in a pretty dark place. Or, what I thought was a dark place. I was so burnt out on drama, on the book world, on life in general, that I thought I had hit rock bottom and the only place to go was up.

Then I fell into the sub basement. As I continued my descent into madness, I had to let go of the ties that were binding me to my old life. The first one was one of the strongest. The ties to one of my deepest loves and passions: the book world. As I mentioned in that post nine months ago, this blog and the book world have ruled my life for a very long time. I spent more time in front of a screen or my Nook working for someone else, that I forgot who I was. As mentioned before, I began to resent everything about this industry and honestly, nothing really changed.

The emails still continued to build up, the drama became more and more overbearing. The name calling, the snarkiness, the negative vibes coming from all corners of the arena. It became too much. Everything about the industry became too much for me to bear. Ethan was only one guy, trying to make a difference. But then something happened. I realized that no matter how hard I try, how much I stress, and no matter how many nights I stay awake wondering how I can change the industry: I can't. I'm but one person. I can't change the situation. I can only change the way I feel about the situation. I can change my outlook on life. And so I did.

I shrugged off the negativity. I found the root of the issue and I eradicated it from my life. I realized the only way for me to move on and find my footing again was to step back. Hardcord. Remove myself completely from the situation and then slowly find a way to fall back in love with the world that's saved me from the brink on more than one occasion. So I did. I quit.

I stopped accepting review requests. I resigned from my internship. I stopped reading. I turned off my email notifications. I backed out of several book events and conferences.

For the first time in years, I was free. And boy, was it liberating.

I lived life.

I embraced my life. For a few months, I was on cloud nine. My life was finally falling into place. I grew to a level of acceptance with my employment. I spent time exploring my life and finding what made me happy. I got to have fun. I went out, I made memories.

Third Eye Blind concert with Landon in March. This proved to be one of the most interesting nights of my life.Seriously. 

I explored the grey zone. That area between what I'd always considered taboo and wrong, and the white-picket-fence life I'd always aspired to have. I gave into life and let go. I allowed myself to experience things I'd only heard about. The kind of life you see on TV or read about in books. The kind of life where you fall asleep at night thankful and then wake up with a smile on your face ready to face it all again. Life was good. Life was great. 2016 was going to be my year.

I lived fully, never looking back or giving myself a reason to say no. I told myself to only say 'yes'. Don't think about the 'what ifs' or the 'how', just 'do it'. I made those kinds of life experiences you hope to one day tell your grandkids about. The kinds where you think 'what was I thinking?' but then laugh until you cry about the stories you can tell. I smile as I write this. I was feeling great. I've done the responsible adult thing for years. I got my degree(s), I worked hard. I was allowed a few months of fun, right?

I was, however, slightly weary.

When would life come crashing down? Could I really let myself be happy knowing that any day, it could come to a screeching halt? I tried not to worry. To live in the moment and take life as it came. I grew increasingly paranoid. I prayed I wouldn't sabotage my happiness. Every day was a blessing.

Until it wasn't.

Life gave me lemons.

Then the whole damn forest burnt down.

My life changed overnight. Literally. My high, all the carefree feelings I had? Everything changed when mortality and responsibility slapped me in the face so hard, I still feel the pain all this time later.

That cold night in February, after a night of questionable decisions and more stories, I got the call. The call that broke me in ways I didn't even know you could be broken. The night I almost said goodbye to someone very, very close to me. The night someone in my life made a snap decision that nearly ended theirs. The moment I realized that people in my life were suffering, way worse than me. Suffering in ways I still can't comprehend. Suffering in ways they didn't see a solution and there was only one way out.

I remember calling my best friend in the middle of the night, so ridiculously broken that I couldn't even speak right. I was inconsolable, scared, and without answers. I couldn't comprehend the decisions that were being made and I felt helpless to stop them.

After a night of no sleep, I spent the next several days in the ICU, watching as that person fought for their life. You never know how fortunate you are until you see someone you've known your entire life hooked up to machines, not knowing if or when they'll leave the hospital the same person. I watched as not only I broke, but all of those around me. I was shattered. As they grew stronger, and eventually left the hospital and sought out help, I couldn't piece myself back together. I tried, but my 'high' on life was over.

My entire mood changed, my outlook on life changed. Everything became a rush. Life was fleeting, and I was wasting mine. I had no direction, I didn't know what tomorrow held. I suddenly felt guilty for every moment of happiness I'd afforded myself as I shrugged my responsibilities. I resented myself and all the time I had wasted. I pulled away from the grey zone and flung myself clear into the darkness.

The next months I spent barely able to pull myself out of bed in the mornings. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. Or crying. I couldn't pull myself together. I don't know exactly what switch was flipped, but Ethan was gone. That voice in my head that told me to stay strong died. He was overpowered by voices of doubt, hatred, and fear. The needle on my moral compass spun so out of control, it flew into another orbit.

I found the few things in life that tethered me to reality. And I held on. Through all the darkness, I held on. To those two people that saved me from the edge of destruction. They held me as I cried, checked on me every day. Ensured that they'd be here for me regardless of the situation. They never left me alone. Never judged, never prodded. They made sure I worked, slept, ate. I couldn't have made it. They reminded me I was loved. Reminded me I had a purpose. Introduced me to new habits and actions. They welcomed me into their lives with open arms. And sheltered me from further harm.

JK Rowling said it best when she wrote: 'Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.'

I never had to live without love. In fact, I experienced love in ways I'd never felt before. I made sacrifices and after years of caring for others, I allowed someone to care for me. I let go of everything and for the first time focused on the only thing I could: myself. For the first time in nearly twenty-five years, I cared for myself.

I fell and allowed my friends to care for me. I may as well have had a live-in nurse. Even now there are huge gaps in my memory. Long periods of time I don't remember. Things I've completely blocked from my memory. Anyone who knows me, knows I have somewhat of a photographic memory. I remember everything so this is a big deal for me.

Much like Batman's escape from The Pit, it was a long journey, and it wasn't easy. It's so strange to be writing about this, but I fought as both my mind and body rebelled against me. I thought I was going crazy. The voices in my head, never ceasing. Constantly dragging me down. Becoming physically ill several times a day as I watched my life crumble, bit-by-bit each day. The voices tore at the walls around my psyche, eventually blasting through them. Effectively destroying the few things that made me, me.

Having already given up the book world, I turned to my other passions: broadway, comics, film. Nothing would fill the void. Everything disappointed me. I begun to feel that I'd never be happy again.

I watched as those around me, my friends and family dealt with huge life changes. Births, deaths, marriage, divorce. I watched it all through a window. Like a hazy fog. I couldn't even control my own emotions, how could I bring myself to care for theirs? I hated myself for pulling away from the friends who had been there for me, but I knew then (as I do now) that they not only understood, but applauded me for caring for myself.

After months of sadness, I woke up one day and realized something had snapped. I'd done all the crying I could. I saw what my life had become and I couldn't face it anymore. I had to make a change. I was absolutely ashamed of what I was. So thus I jumped to yet another phase I didn't see coming. The one that would truly be the end of Ethan.

Anger.

As the depression took hold, I became more paranoid than ever. The voices in my head grew to a cacophony of such magnitude, I couldn't sleep. I talked to myself. Yelled at myself. I punished myself. I was my own worst enemy. And as such, I destroyed the pillars around me. I lashed out at my friends and family. Distancing myself from them in the most drastic of ways. I tore myself apart from anything and everything that didn't involve me being alone in the dark, attempting to fight the demons in my mind.

It was months before I was able to find joy again. I honestly don't know that I smiled for weeks at a time. Between the sleeping pills and energy drinks, I was more zombie than human. I realized in an effort to save myself, I was slowly killing myself. I became sick. Disgustingly so. My body rebelled against me and my new lifestyle. I fought to control myself, but lost the battle. Terribly

The level of fitness I was so proud of just months before, became a sickening reality. I couldn't eat. I shook all the time. I was pale and gaunt. In the span of six months, I lost eighty pounds. Some from diet and exercise, but most from my trials and depression. I'm so happy to say I've kept the weight off and I feel better than ever now, but it was not the ideal diet. I'll be the first to admit.

Crazy transformation right? May 2014 vs May 2016. Now I look even more different than the pic on the right!

I thought things could only get better after reaching rock bottom. I was wrong. I thought I had nothing else to lose. Life has a funny way of kicking you while you're down, doesn't she?

April was the hardest month of my entire life. As long as I live, I think I may forever remember the last few weeks of April 2016 as being the hardest time of my life. It started out on a high note. I attended the Roanoke Author Invasion (hosted by one of my very best friends, the incredible Liz Long). It was my first book event of the year (after I had already bailed on three). I needed RAI. I needed the ten hour roadtrip and the weekend surrounded by my friends and the world I had loved. I needed it more than I could say. And it did wonders. I had an absolutely amazing time. I remembered why'd I'd turned to the book world and the security it provided me.

Roanoke Author Invasion with Liz Long, Jo Michaels, Tia Silverthorne-Bach, and P.M. Hernandez

I left Roanoke feeling like a rockstar. Positive and ready to take life by the horns. I felt Ethan stirring to life for the first time in months and did whatever I could to revive him. My old life was there. Ethan was still inside me somewhere, I just needed to bring him out. I came home feeling better than I had in months,

The last three weeks of April were.... trying. To say the very least.

In those three short weeks, I managed to lose three of the most important people in my life. What little bit of heart and soul I had wouldn't make it to May. In a moment of clarity, I realized the only way to move forward in life was to make amends with those who I'd long blamed for my sorrows. And I tried. With explosive results.

When you find yourself in a dark place, the worst thing you can do is surround yourself with others facing their own demons. You feed off one another. When I realized my darkness was being fed by another, I confronted the other and it didn't go well. I learned the hard way that you cannot help those who don't want help. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. As a result, I was forced to detach myself from one who I'd grown extremely close as they (literally) leapt from my life.

While reeling from this, my second tragedy unfolded. My very best friend in life, the girl I've loved since the day we met, faced her darkest hour. The one person in my life who has always been my constant. My catalyst to life and reality, she lost one of the most important people in her life only a week before leaving for boot camp. Our last moments together were shrouded in sadness. Not only would she have to learn to live life with a part of her heart missing, I'd have to learn to live with a large part of mine leaving at a time when I couldn't even hardly live with myself. I did what I could to be there for her. To shield her from spiraling out of control as I had. Grief and loss were emotions I was becoming close to. Closer in ways I didn't even know existed. Barely having time to recover from her loss, fate ripped us apart. For six long weeks, I had to live without my best friend. It was pure hell. Thankfully she's out now and I'm more proud of her than I can put into words, but man. It was a rough time for us both.

Hannah's Navy Boot Camp Graduation June 2016

With the absence of Hannah and the loss of my friend, I found April ending and leaving me in the darkest place yet. Sad and angry. I held fast to one of the only people I had left in life. I poured every ounce of emotion into one vessel and fell into our friendship so hard, we truly became two parts of the same person. Anyone who has experienced a friendship this deep knows how it feels. Words cannot describe the feeling of growing so close to someone. The kind of friendship that 'makes the bad and cold days have light and warmth'. The kind of relationship where the love is so strong, you know it's unhealthy. Love isn't always a physical manifestation, and in my experience emotional relationships are so much more trying than the physical ones.

They also end much more violently.

My mother is a pretty interesting lady. Most of my friends have heard my various 'Melissa-stories'. While we may not get along all the time, I have more respect for her than I can put into writing. The one thing I'll always carry with me is the mantra she's lived by my entire life. The philosophy she's instilled in me that I've learned this year to be more true than most anything I know: 'you can't help who you fall in love with'. Your heart and soul are drawn to who they are and there's truly little-to-nothing you can do about it.

Melissa (Mom) and Austin (brother). Just for reference. 

But that being said, sometimes your heart and mind disagree. When I found myself in a position I shouldn't have, I made brash decisions that left me questioning my entire existence up to this point. After much soul searching, my mind overpowered my heart and decided I wasn't in a good place. It was right, of course. But the break I'd have to make would be anything but clean.

Tearing yourself away from your one source of protection is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I literally felt as though I'd ripped my soul in two. Ethan came back to life in a way that didn't come from strength, but desperation. I needed him back as he was all I had left. The light, the dark, the grey. It was all ripped from me. My heart was shattered in more pieces than I could ever hope to put back together. I was blinded.

My life had no light. No direction. I fell. Spiraled into a darkness I never knew existed. Everything about this reality was a living hell. The very air I breathed depressed me.

I tore myself away from any vestiges of my former life. Vowing to spend some time alone. Finding myself. Knowing I could never be happy until I learned to love myself and stopped depending upon others for my own happiness. Much like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, Old Ethan and New Ethan were inside of me, leaning upon one another, struggling for their very existence. I never knew who I'd see when I looked into the mirror. I didn't know who I was, but each day I grew both weaker and stronger.

Over the next several months, life was a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't feel comfortable anywhere and nothing I did seemed right. I always felt like I was missing *something*. A huge chunk of my heart and soul were missing and no matter what I did, I never felt whole.

With some friends, I managed to attend several awesome events that have become a staple in my life. Planet Comicon (for the fourth year running) was an incredible experience. I met Stan Lee. Well... waved at Stan Lee, but he DID wave back. My partner in crime, Christina Marie (you guys all know who she is) and I really tore up the town and lived the Comicon experience to the fullest.

Planet Comicon with Christina Marie May 2016

The next month I sunk my claws into UtopiaCon for the 3rd time where I was an invited guest. I spoke on a panel regarding book blogging to a packed house alongside four other industry professionals I have the deepest of respect for. It was a week full of lasting memories alongside more friends, but most definitely a rough week for me mentally. I was so glad to have such an awesome support system on hand while I continued to live my dreams. I met so many amazing folks and reconnected with even more old friends. It was a week of ups and downs for me, but in the end, I cherish the memories I made and the experiences I had.

UtopiaCon 2016: I was on a panel! People came to hear ME talk! Can you imagine?

They say bad things come in threes, and unfortunately I found this to be true. In August, my third trial came. I lost my grandmother. My father's mother. She and I were close and her passing really took its' toll on me. In a year full of loss, I hated to experience more, yet I was glad to know she was no longer suffering. My grandma was an incredible woman and was taken from us very suddenly, with little warning. That being said, I am still incredibly thankful for the time I got to spend with her. Many of you saw my memorial to her as I wrote my feelings towards her passing. As a result of that post, at my family's request, I gave the eulogy at Grandma's funeral. Sharing my thoughts with her friends and our family. It was an honor to pay homage to someone who has so special in my life.

My life that, as you can see, had been trampled upon. 2016 has not been kind to me.

Throughout the remainder of the summer, I worked even harder to maintain a balance, but eventually had to come to a hard decision.

I needed help.

It was clear to me that this wasn't just a rough patch I was going through, and I needed the assistance of a professional. After consulting with friends and family, I sought out professional help for my... problems (if you can't tell yet, I hate the 'D' word. I deplore putting labels on anything!) After some hard conversations with my doctor, we planned a course of action and together found a treatment that best fit my lifestyle.

Treatment hasn't been easy, but effective nonetheless.

Eventually I regained my independence. It's an odd feeling to feel so alone, even when you know you never have to be. I isolated myself. Allowing only the closet members of my inner circle to know anything of what I was experiencing. I talked, they listened. Many offering kind words of encouragement, some listening to me cry, some silent as they just allowed me to vent. I slowly came to realize that the one I once called my worst enemy, was actually my closest ally.

Myself.

Ethan.

He was in there this whole time. He just needed a break I guess. I still haven't figured out exactly what went wrong. I haven't figured out where he went for all these months when I needed him more than ever. I realized that I didn't hate him. And he didn't hate me. I was proud of him.

Ethan is strong. Intelligent. Hardworking. Ethan has two degrees. Speaks three languages. Has read more literature than he can count. Loves deeply, lives fully. Has an incredible family, and Avi. Ethan has an Avi! What isn't to love about Ethan? I realized that all the things I hated about myself. All the insecurities I'd faced were actually what made me strong. What makes us special, makes us strong.

I have an Avi. Best pig ever. Seriously. Look at that face. Forreal. 

 I didn't need to lose Ethan. I needed to love Ethan. I needed to accept Ethan. I needed to embrace Ethan.

And so I did.

It wasn't easy. In fact, it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. To fall in love with myself again. To allow myself to open myself up to feelings and emotions, to love again. To live again.

Because what's not to fall in love with? I mean have you seen me ? Come on. Damn. The sticker says it all. Oh and Lindsey is alright looking too, I guess. 

I watched and stood beside one of my best friends as he married the love of his life. I was surprised to learn I've got a niece/nephew on the way in the form of a pregnant best friend. I've fallen back into a comfortable groove at work, where I'm excelling beyond anything I have ever done before. I've made new friends. Friends who I can text at any time and say 'put on pants, we're going on an adventure'. And they don't question my motives. They join my parade of crazy and we have adventures that leave me filled with joy again. I've opened my heart yet again. I'm ready to love life. I'm ready to accept change and have the courage to accept the things I cannot.

Koko's Wedding (August 13, 2016)

I've reconnected with the ones I've lost. Well, some of them. It's going to be rocky, but I know that one of the biggest parts of being happy is learning to let go of the past. While things may never work out quite how we sometimes want them to, so long as we have good intentions and a positive outlook, I strongly believe it's worth trying. Love is the strongest of all emotions, and with love on your side, you really cannot lose. Love trumps hate. Hate is hard. Hate hurts. Hate will eat at your soul until there's nothing left. I've learned that you have to forgive others. It's been a struggle for me, but I've come to accept many different facets of my life and that's been a huge one.

Head Broseph Jordan and I (Sept 2016) 

Slowly but surely, I found Ethan again. Together we did things Ethan loved. I reconnected with nature. I reconnected with old friends. Friends that Ethan had. Friends that Ethan loved and who loved Ethan before he turned into someone who didn't recognize his reflection. He reconnected with life.

And then guess what happened? I fell in love with Literature. AGAIN.

I'm not back to 100%. Not by a long shot. In fact, to be honest, I don't think I'll ever again go back to the constant level of book worlding I was doing. To be honest, the idea of writing reviews makes my skin crawl, but I do have several to do. The past couple of months, I have started reading on the regular. I've ready about 30 novels this summer. Some amazing new works by my favorite authors and a few of my all time favorites to remind me why I fell in love with the written word. I'm getting away from the things I feel like I 'have' to do and finally working on things I 'want' to do. I'm working with fewer people and not taking on so many large projects, but Ethan FINALLY started getting back into the swing of things.

I'm still here.

I'm still fighting.

Trying each and every day to see the positives in life. Coming to terms with both of the beings living inside me. Old Ethan and New Ethan, finding a symbiotic balance inside my mind. Allowing me to fully embrace both my light and dark sides. And coming to terms with that being okay.

Because it is okay.

Nobody is perfect. Life is messy

Love is messy.

I don't know my place on this Earth quite yet. I know that sometimes we go through rough patches. I know that it's okay to ask for help. I actually consider it quite brave to realize you've reached a certain point and be able to say 'I can't do this on my own anymore'. And finding the help you need. Life shouldn't be dreaded. We only get one.

Ethan's not completely healed yet. But he's on the mend. As for the rest of me, I'm working to face my demons. I'm still looking out for number one, but I've learned more in the last year than I ever learned in 22 years of schooling. Life isn't measured in moments of victory and triumph, it's measured in the moments you find yourself in the face of adversary and how you rise to the occasion. It's not about proving yourself to others, it's about finding your own sense of well-being and self-worth.

It took me 25 years to learn that the key to my success and happiness isn't going to be found on a piece of paper. A fancy car, home, or six-figure salary. It's inside me. It's been inside me all along. It's in the faces of those I love. In those I trust. In my family whom I love dearly and who believe and support me. In my friends who never turned their backs on me. Who never told me to 'get over it'. Who never shunned me.

Oh I lied. The key to happiness is Funkos. Straight up. I've got well over 200 of these little bastards floating around. I channeled a lot of my energy and emotions into collecting these little guys this year. Time and money well spent, right? I also do Funko photography now.... it's a thing. Go check out my Instagram accounts at @egrgry and @pigandpops!

Even those who broke me, helped me in the end. I won. I'm winning. Life isn't a game, but dammit, I'm out to win. I'm not in it for fame and fortune, but I am here to stay. I'm not giving up.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I really don't, and that's okay. I have spent my entire life fearing the unknown. Allowing my anxiety to shape me into something unhealthy. Never able to accept what I cannot see. It's bizarre to say, but actually enjoy spontaneity now. I like not knowing where life may take me next. I love the random adventures I find myself taking, and I'm loving the new memories I'm making each and every day.

This year has sucked. I mean woah holy hell. It's been horrible. But it's finally looking up. And I mean it this time. In three weeks, I turn twenty-five. I'm a quarter of a century old. I'm nowhere close to where I wanted to be at age 25, but you know what? That's okay.

I had a bucket list. Things I wanted to accomplish before I hit this milestone, and believe it or not, I've hit several of them. I've missed a few opportunities that I'm still kicking myself for, but 25 sure isn't the end, it's just the beginning. I survived childhood, my teens, and my New Adulthood. It's smooth sailing from here on out, right?

Right? Right.....

Kidding. Kidding.

But let's be honest, now that I've gotten my quarter-life crisis out of the way, maybe the mid-life one won't be so horrible. What's going bald if you get a motorcycle out of it, right? (*prays biggest problems at 45 are going bald and wanting a motorcycle*)

I've thrown a couple of quotes in here already to describe my place in life right now, but I'd like to share another quote from one of my closest friends and confidantes, Bestselling Author Sherry D. Ficklin. This quote touched me from the day I read it and I've never related so closely with a character as I did hers in this moment:

"I have made mistakes that I will never be able to atone for, and I have allowed myself to be selfish in ways you might never understand. I’m not proud of my choices, but neither would I retract a single one."

The funny thing is that no matter how much I love that quote, I'm not sure I completely agree with it anymore. I am proud of myself for the choices I made. I pulled myself away and protected myself at a time when life could have taken a very different direction. While I wish I could alter some decisions, I no longer consider them mistakes of my past, but stepping stones on the path of where and who I am today. 

Friends and family, I implore you. Don't give into the darkness. Live your life to the fullest and without regrets. Don't ever be ashamed to seek guidance and never be too embarrassed to say "I need help". There is always someone out there who can help. Don't be afraid to live, and certainly never be afraid to love.

But above all: love yourself. Claim yourself. Don't live in the grey zone.

Embrace the light.

Embrace the dark.

Embrace you.

Defy the conventions of society and 'do you'. 

As written in my favorite novel, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire: 

“Remember this: Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny.”

Hug your loved ones folks. Never miss an opportunity to share your love and spirit with the world. The world in which we live would truly be a better place if we could all do our part to leave it just a little more positive than we found it. 

I thank you all for your kind words, love, and your support this year. I never would have made it through it without you. Ethan is here to stay and getting stronger each and every day. I thank the heavens above for every breath I get to take, Thank you to my family for supporting me and helping me to get the help I needed. Thank you to my brothers and sisters (both biological and not) for being here for me. For giving me strength at a time I had none. Thank you to my colleagues and book world peeps for all the love and messages, reminding me that I am never alone. 

I'm healthier than I've ever been and I'm working to make 25 the best year of my entire life. 

I've got some huge changes on the horizon that I'm keeping under my hat for the time being, but I know so long as I keep the faith, everything is going to work out in the end. 

As for the book world? Don't worry, I'm here. Maybe in a smaller, more intimate capacity, but I'm here nonetheless. I'll start reviewing again, but until that day, I'm here. Reading. Listening. And loving every second. For the first time in a very long time.

Because eventually I just realized. Some days you gotta put on your robe and beard, grab your fake wand and be a wizard. Because life's too short to be anything less... than a wizard. I'm a 25 year old man in a costume. Your point?

It's going to take time and I know there'll be good days and bad, but each day I get stronger, and I know deep down, I'm ready to face the next chapter of my life with excitement and open arms. 

Here's to you 2016: you may have kicked me down, but you taught me more than I would have ever imagined. 

God Bless.

Until next time, Happy Reading!

-Ethan

Pride Month Round-Up: Best of LGBT from BooksByMigs and One Guy's Guide to Good Reads

**Post written by Ashley from BooksByMigs through our collaboration**

 

Ethan messaged me last night with this wonderful idea. Because June is Pride month he was telling me how I should have done something special on the blog highlighting some of my favorite LGBT novels. I loved the idea so much we decided to collaborate and feature some of our favorites!

Ethan's Round-Up

As anyone who’s hung out over on my blog will tell you, it’s my goal in the book world to make an impact as a male reader. I review from a male’s POV, offering new insight to both authors and readers. Being a straight male blogger has really taught me multiple things about not only the book world, but about life itself. There is so much knowledge to be learned through the power of literature. I’ve had my eyes opened and my beliefs confirmed, all through the movement of the written word.

While not a member of the LGBT community myself, some of my closest friends are. Through them I have seen firsthand the struggles that those in their community have faced. The monumental movements and strides made this week will forever impact their lives for the better. It is with great honor that we support them here today. That being said, I was, understandably hesitant to read my first LGBT read. Especially an m/m read. It’s not something I have any experience with personally, so I wasn’t sure how I would feel about reading one. I’m so glad I took a chance and read my first LGBT novel, as it definitely changed my life. Each and every one of the incredible novels I am featuring in my list has made a positive impact on my life in a variety of reasons. This is really a special thing for me to say, as romance is among my very least favorite genre. These novels have really changed the way I read. While I have only read a handful of novels that fit into this category, I know that there are many more that will touch me the way these stories have. In no particular order, here are my top four LGBT reads:

• Stolen by Becca Vincenza
The very first LGBT book that I read. I remember I only took the plunge because it was a paranormal novel primarily. From page one I was hooked and couldn’t let go. The relationship between Drake and Xavier is also probably among the most unique I have ever read. While they don't "fall in love" in the traditional sense, the fall in love, nonetheless. They are 'life mates', each others' one true love. While they are both extremely resistant at first, their budding friendship and relationship is seriously a thing of beauty. Completely take the sexual element out of the equation and at its' base, their relationship is rock solid. It was really interesting to read about that. Becca opened my eyes to this sub genre and I am honored that her novel was my first read.

     
• The Understatement of the Year by Sarina Bowen
If you guys follow my blog, you know that I am a huge Sarina Bowen fan. Her Ivy Years series is among my all-time favorite NA Contemporary series. Each novel in this series hit me in a different way, but none hit me in the particular way that this one did. The relationship between Rikker and Graham was so incredibly hard for me to read. Their love story wasn’t an easy one. It was cringe-worthy at times and left me such an emotional wreck that few have topped since. Talking out the LGBT element out of the equation, you see two friends whose complicated relationship nearly cost them their happiness. To say it was emotional is a huge understatement. That being said, through this novel, I learned so much about what it means to be a New Adult member of the LGBT community. Sarina Bowen really helped to open my eyes to the issues faced by members in 2015.

      
• Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire-Saenz
This one was strictly a recommendation from my good friend Christina over at LuLo FanGirl. This is one of Christina’s all time favorite reads, with great reason. Oh man, get ready to catch the feels, I know I did. While the LGBT portion of this novel doesn’t present itself until the last part of the novel, the budding relationship between the characters of Dante and Aristotle was nothing short of literary perfection. Their character development was among the best I have ever read. Their love story was truly one for the ages. Full of emotion and triumph, watching them come into their own was such a rewarding experience.

    
• Trust the Focus by Megan Erickson
I only came across this novel thanks to the recommendation of our Ashley here from Books by Migs. She’s such a big Megan Erickson fan that I had been wanting to read one of her novels for months when I came across this one. I really didn’t know what to expect from the novel, but I can tell you that in the end I came out of it a better person. Justin and Landry’s relationship was one emotional roller coaster ride. And one that I really could relate to. They were both coming out of a very important part of their lives with some immense baggage on their shoulders. It was only through finding their relationship with one another that they were able to overcome their issues and make it through to the end. It was truly a beautifully crafter and incredible story of love, hope, and compassion. It was an honor to devour it.

Love is love and I am so proud to share with you guys these four LGBT novels that have changed my perspective on the genre. It isn’t one that I read often, but each novel I have read has changed me in some way, shape, or form. While romance will never be one of my favorite genres, novels such as these keep me coming back for more. It was truly an honor to experience each and every one of these reads. I highly recommend them to any and all readers, regardless of your beliefs or reading mindset. You won’t be disappointed! Huge congratulations to the LGBT community this week on their huge victory! Let’s all continue to work together to achieve equality for all and make the world a little brighter with each passing day! Happy Reading!

Ashley's Round-Up

June is a wonderful month for me. Not only does my daughter’s birthday fall in June, it’s also Pride Month. Everyone in the LGBTQ+ community gets together and celebrates us. We let the world know we are here and proud of who we are. We let them know that it’s okay to be us and we love just as much as they do. If you’ve never been to a Pride parade or festival I suggest you get to one next year. They are so much fun and can open your eyes to so much. Now that June has come to an end it’s such a blessing to be able to look back on this wonderful month and see all the good that has happened for our community. The biggest thing? The Supreme Court granted marriage to same sex couples in all 50 states! I didn’t think I’d see this or that it would even happen as quickly as it did. I love that my friends and family can marry, legally, and have it recognized all over the country. My heart is so full. Like I’ve said before, I adore reading LGBT novels. I get to see some of my favorite groups of people find love, be accepted and just live their lives. We are people too. We deserve recognition. Equality. Love. So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite novels. No particular order.

• Focus on Me by Megan Erickson
I love this book so much. Megan is so skilled in not just writing romance, but actually digging deeper into how people actually work. Focus on Me is no different. She created these two characters, Colin and Riley, and everything about them felt true and real. I lived their story with them and it wasn’t an easy one. Without getting into the story because it’s not out just yet (soon though! July 21st!) it’s not spoilery to say that mental illness plays a huge role in the plot of Focus on Me. That’s the big plot device on this story, not their being gay. I loved that. Both Colin and Riley were already out and proud and didn’t have any problems with being their true self. We need more of that in this world.

    
• Captive Prince & Prince’s Gambit by C.S. Pacat
There’s so much that can be said about these novels, and probably the third when it finally comes out. Damen and Laurent are everything. The series is a little bit fantasy, a little bit romance and a whole lot of awesome. Damen and Laurent’s being gay or bisexual have no bearing on the story at all. The story is about so much more than that. It’s about friendship and trust. It’s about fighting for what you believe in and making sure those you care for are taking care of. Thanks to my lovely friend, Lia Riley, I was introduced to this series and I love her immensely for it.

    
• Under the Lights by Dahlia Adler
Lesbians! Do you know how hard it is to find good lesbian fiction? Especially in Young Adult? Very. But Dahlia did it and she did it so well. Vanessa and Brianna are amazing. I fell for them as they fell for each other. 

 During the story Vanessa realizes she’s gay and needs to come to terms with that. And she tells her family and friends who she really is as well. This is so important to see in a book because there are so many kids out there who my feel like her and need to know that it’s okay to be true to themselves. And then there’s Bri. She’s bisexual and is not afraid to be herself. She’s not afraid to love who she falls for and that’s wonderful.

     
• Rush by Nyrae Dawn
This book, you guys. This. Book. I cannot say enough about this book. It’s one of my favorites ever. I mean outside of it being about two guys. Brandon’s coming out and dealing with the fallout because he’s this big college football player and Alec’s standing by his friend and the man he loves. It’s beautiful. It’s not an easy story to read but one that many people live. And Brandon’s parents? I love them so much. They exemplify how parents should act. They love their child unconditionally and sadly that just seems to be rare these days.

*****

Ashley really blew this post out of the water and I am so pumped to share it with you guys. Ashley is another amazing bookish friend of mine and this is our first official collaboration. We're so glad you stopped by to heard our take on LGBT reads! What are some of your favorites? Have you read ours? Share your thoughts in the comments below! Until next time, Happy Reading!

-Ethan

Not Yet by Laura Ward Review

Hey folks! I sincerely apologize for the ridiculous past couple of weeks! I am so far behind on reviews, but fear not, they ARE coming! I have a special review for you guys today from a debut author who really rocked my socks off. Today on the chopping block? Not Yet by Mrs. Laura Ward! Here's some info about the book and the author before we get to my thoughts!

Emma Harris is learning that life is just a series of lessons.

Lesson #1: Nothing goes the way you plan.
Lesson #2: You can’t trust men. Especially not the pretty ones.
Lesson #3: Turns out, appearances are almost always deceiving.

Emma thinks she has life all figured out, and what she knows isn’t good. For years, she’s put her big sister, who was born with Down syndrome, first. Now Emma’s ready to start her own life, but fate has other plans. To do the right thing for the sister she loves, Emma’s dreams will just have to wait.

She doesn’t plan on meeting Landon — a rich, flirtatious jock, who never has to wait for anything. Not for attention, not for money, and certainly not for girls. Meeting Emma marks the first time in his life that he’s had to fight for something. And Landon doesn't know how to lose.

Emma has no interest in wasting her summer with a superficial guy like Landon. But very soon she realizes she is wrong about him. The question is, can she trust him? Or will he let her down like every other guy in her life? But most importantly, can Emma trust herself enough to live the life she's always dreamed of?

Life has a way of sneaking in the most important lessons when you aren't looking. And once the heart gets involved, that's when the real learning begins.

 

Laura Ward

Laura Ward lives in Maryland with her loud and very loving three children and husband. She married her college sweetheart and is endlessly grateful for the support he has given her through all their years together, and especially toward her goal of writing books. When not changing diapers, driving to lacrosse practice, or checking spelling homework, Laura is writing or reading romance novels. 

Find Laura Ward

FACEBOOK | TWITTER | GOODREADS

 Get Your Copy Now! 

(On sale for only $0.99 through 10/1)

***********************************************************************************

My Thoughts:

I was contacted by Mrs. Laura Ward this past Friday about possibly reviewing her book. She was sent in my direction by a few other amazing authors who I LOVE, Mrs. Christine Manzari and Miss Cora Carmack! After reading all about Not Yet, I was intrigued. I was intrigued, but a little on the fence. I keep telling myself I am DONE with romance, that I never want to read another romance novel, ever! And then... Bam. An absolutely amazing one lands in my lap. Doggone you Laura Ward, you've made me a believer. Okay, let me start from the top:

Young love, summertime, family drama: all of my favorite things. NOT. You would think I'd have rolled my eyes after starting this one. Generally I would have, but something about this read struck me as different. I don't know what, specifically, it was, but by the time I finished this read I was broken. This book broke me. I seriously have nothing but praises for this read. It isn't often that I read a novel by a debut author and think: "Holy Hell, Ethan... This is one author to watch!" Let me tell you folks, Laura Ward is THE author to watch. Such talent. 

*Before I go any farther, let me just say one thing. This novel has a HUGE twist that results in the novel taking a trip down the path to a trope I NEVER read. One that I didn't think could be written in a respectable way. Then again, I'd never met Laura Ward. I do have to say that the publicity and synopsis of this novel do an AMAZING job of not letting the big twist slip. My biggest advice to readers is that you KEEP reading. TRUST me. You will NOT regret it!

At it's core, Not Yet is a New Adult romance. There was love, there was angst, there was passion, and there was steam. I will say, however, that the steamy scenes were few and far between. Mrs. Ward made it a point to build such a beautiful relationship between her characters and their development, that it wasn't until close to the end of the novel (during a sex scene) that I realized: "wait, where was all the sex?" Exactly. Any of my occasional readers know that I have a hard time reviewing books with steamy content because they always seem either: 1) Forced 2) Uncomfortable 3) COMPLETELY unrealistic or, my favorite 4) Fake. (In the words of the late, great Edna Krabapple, "She's faking it.") As a reader and HUGE supporter of the New Adult genre, I have had to read a LOT of romance reads that have fallen into those four categories. Thankfully, Not Yet was nowhere close to that! The relationships were real, emotional, and left me at a loss for words on more than one occasion. 

I have to say that my absolute favorite part of Not Yet was the layout of the novel. Instead of chapters, Ward laid out this story in the form of "Life Lessons". Each chapter begins as "Lesson 1, Lesson 2, etc" and at the end of each chapter there is a neat clipart displaying the "Life Lesson" learned from that chapter. These life lessons are hilarious and, oftentimes, very good lessons. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Life Lesson: Sometimes it's the wait... the not yets of life that are the very best reason of all to learn.
• Life Lesson: Be brave. Be strong. Persevere. 
• Life Lesson: There are times in life when people cause you to think you have lost it all. That it will never get better. That you will never recover. These are the times when the only thing to do is pick your head up, look those assholes right in the eye, and fucking finish strong

I have to say that last one is probably my favorite!

The setting of Not Yet really helped to clench the story for me. Set in small town Indiana, this story was one I could, very easily, relate to. The small gossipy town, the drama filled high school, everything about this setting spoke to me. I won't say too much to avoid any spoilers, but I don't think the backdrop setting for this story could have been any better. Such a powerful story projected on such an unforgiving landscape. Yes, it was awesome. Settings like this always make the novel for me!

Can I go on a personal tirade for a moment here and say that I am pretty sure Laura Ward was channeling me when she wrote this novel? For starters, our MC Emma just graduated with a degree and has moved back to her hometown where she can't find a job and realizes that post-college life isn't what she expected. Uh... get out of my head Laura Ward. Second, she is passionate about history and decides to get her Masters in History... Uh.... again, creepy. And third, and most crazy, a very pivotal scene in out novel takes place in Springfield, Missouri.... I graduated from college in Springfield, MO AND just moved back to Southwest Missouri last weekend. This book had WAY too many parallels to my own life for me to not enjoy it. Also, just as a side note, Mrs. Ward. The Hilton in Springfield doesn't have a view of downtown, nor does it have 17 stories. The only reason I know this is because I loved on the 19th floor of the second tallest building in Springfield for a year. LOL. Not that I'm one of those creepy "OMG I'VE BEEN THERE!" kind of fans or anything... :P *steps off soapbox*

The characters in Not Yet were written in such a unique way. They were so real and raw that I was able to empathize with every since emotion they felt. That was such an incredible feeling. This all goes back to how "real" I felt the story was. I really liked that. Now I will say the book has a bit of a scandalous undertone to it, but funny enough, I never got that vibe. I never felt "wrong" from reading the plot. It all felt so acceptable and real. Why? Because the characters were so much more than words on a page. Our female MC, Emma, is strong, intelligent, and one of the most caring and compassionate characters I have read. Landon, our male MC, starts out as "the guy to fix", but in the end actually become an entirely different character. The character development between these two characters was one of the highlights for me. Speaking of the characters brings me to probably the most important points I want to discuss pertaining to Not Yet.

Not Yet is an extremely unique in one, very important, aspect: the inclusion of multiple characters with intellectual disabilities. Yes Mrs. Ward, I just learned this new terminology from you! Woohoo! This book has a handful of main character who are living with forms of mental illnesses including Down syndrome and Autism. I have never read a book that featured numerous characters with mental disabilities. At first I was worried it would make for an uncomfortable read, but in the end it completely changed my views on those with special needs. I will be honest and say that I haven't had a great deal of experience with these types of individuals, but thanks to Laura Ward I have a whole new respect for those living with these disabilities. I am not even afraid to admit that I teared up more than once during scenes involving these very special characters. Not Yet wasn't just about love or romance, it was about accepting others and learning to see the true beauty in life. I am so thankful fro authors like Laura Ward who are unafraid to push the boundaries of literature and write on such a sensitive topic. Thank you Mrs. Laura Ward for being brave enough to tell their story. Cheers to you, Mrs. Ward!

I will honestly say that I don't even have a number scale that accurately gauges my feelings for Not Yet, while I'm not saying it was my favorite read of all time, I am saying that this story was extremely special and I will carry its' many, many messages and lesson with me for a long time to come. All-in-all I am giving Not Yet by Laura Ward a perfect 5-star review. I cannot wait to see what comes next in the world of Laura Ward, but I can tell you with certainty that this fan will be in line to get his copy!

***********************************************************************************

Thank you all so much for stopping by to check out my thoughts on Not Yet by Laura Ward! Special thanks to Mrs. Ward for supplying me with a copy in exchange for an honest review. Have you read Not Yet? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments! Until next time, Happy Reading!!

Before you go, have you heard all about the Halloween Author Invasion party I am hosting? Click the graphic below to be taken to the event page! The last week of October the page will be taken over by 20+ of the biggest names in the paranormal book world! I cannot wait for all the fun we are going to have! Be sure to check out the event by clicking below! HUGE giveaways, fun games, and a spooktacular time you wont want to miss!

-Ethan